Eowyn's Recipes
by XxJigoku-no-HanaxX
Summary: Eowyn's recipes! It's made by the most disgusting ingredients on Middle-earth and Earth! DO NOT TRY THE RECIPES AT HOME!
1. Recipe 1: Spaghetti Carbonara

**I'm sorry that I deleted my previous fan fiction; Middle-earth's Mystery Inc. It was accidently deleted by my (annoying) nephew and I can't recover it. So, I change it with this. Enjoy!**

**WARNING! Do not try all of the recipes in this fan fiction!**

**Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.**

**Recipe 1: Spaghetti Carbonara**

The kitchen on the Citadel of Minas Tirith was silence. No one is cooking in there today. Suddenly, the Shieldmaiden of Rohan came to the kitchen and turned to the readers.

"Hello there, everyone!" she said while waving. "My name is Eowyn. I'm the Shieldmaiden of Rohan and wife to Faramir. You see, I'm in the mood of cooking and I wanted to share my recipes to you all!"

"Alright, today I'm making something called Spaghetti Carbonara from a world called Earth. Here are the ingredients:

1 lb spaghetti

¼ cup heavy cream

4 rotten eggs

½ lb bacon, cut into ½-inch dice

1 tsp extra virgin olive oil

2 Tbsp chopped Elven parsley

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste

¾ cup freshly grated pecorino-romano cheese (parmesan may be substituted)

And here's the recipe:

Fill a large soup pot with cold water and add a handful or so of Kosher salt. Stir and taste; it should taste like seawater. Cover the pot and heat the water until it boils.

Add the diced bacon to a cold sauté pan and cook slowly over a low heat for 10 to 15 minutes or until crisp. Remove bacon from pan and drain on paper towels.

Drop the spaghetti into the boiling salted water and cook according to package instructions, about 6 to 9 minutes or until al dente (don't ask me what it's means), or tender but still firm to the bite.

While the pasta cooks, combine the rotten eggs, cheese, cream and olive oil in a bowl and beat with a whisk until completely mixed.

Drain pasta, toss with the egg and cream mixture, then add the cooked bacon and chopped Elven parsley. Serve right away, with additional grated cheese if desired."

Eowyn cook it happily and at last it was ready.

"Yeay! It's ready to eat!" she squealed in joy. "Hmm… I wonder who should taste it…" Eowyn said while tapping her chin. "Oh yes! I'll give it to Aragorn! He will love it and promotes my cooking to the entire Minas Tirith!' she said then ran to find Aragorn.

Suddenly, her brother came from the shadows and turned to the readers.

Eomer sighed. "My sister has gone insane. Rotten eggs for the spaghetti? That's disgusting! And anyways, Legolas once told me that Elven parsley is dangerous for health. Eating it will make you suffer diarrhea. The Elf told me that he tried it once and can't stop vomiting for a whole day! I just hope that Aragorn will survive the spaghetti," he told the readers.

"Please do not cook this in your home! If you want to cook a _real_ Spaghetti Carbonara, you could check this link; . "

"And if an idiot attempts this recipe at home, don't blame XxJellalFernandesxX. Just blame my sister," Eomer ended then walked away.

**Hehehee… the recipe is really evil or what? I warn you once again, DO NOT TRY THE RECIPE AT HOME!**

**Alright, don't forget to leave a review. ;)**


	2. Recipe 2: Caramel Pudding

**WARNING! Do not try all of the recipes in this fan fiction!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Lord of the Rings, then Legolas would be my boyfriend and Arwen would be my sister.**

**Recipe 2: Caramel Pudding**

XxJellalFernandesxX walked past the kitchen of the Citadel of Minas Tirith. Then, she realized that the readers are there.

"Oh, the story has started. Oi! Eowyn! You gotta start cooking!" she yelled to Eowyn. The Shieldmaiden of Rohan scurried to the kitchen. "So sorry I'm late, author! Are you going to stay?" Eowyn said to XxJellalFernandesxX. "Yep, I wanted to watch you cook. And just call me Jellal for short," replied the author. Then, Fairy Tail fans and Erza Scarlet punched the author right on the face.

"Okay, okay, call me Cathy," said the author after she recovered. "But it's not my real name. I intended to keep my real name a secret."

Eowyn giggled. "Okay then, I'm making Caramel Pudding today! It's pretty easy even for people who can't cook," the Shieldmaiden said. Cathy then whispered to the readers, "She _can't_ cook either."

"The ingredients are:

Soft butter, for greasing.

100g (½ cup, firmly packed) brown sugar.

40g (2 tbs) butter, at room temperature, cubed.

1 owl egg, at room temperature.

2 tbs plain flour.

2 tbs self-raising flour.

½ tsp vanilla essence.

½ tsp Tabasco.

3 tsp white sugar.

Wasabi ice cream, to serve."

"And here's the recipe:

Preheat oven to 180°C. Brush 160ml (2/3-cup) dishes with butter to grease.

Beat the brown sugar, butter, owl egg, plain flour, self-raising flour and vanilla essence in a small bowl until combined. Beat for 2 minutes or until pale and smooth.

Spoon mixture into greased dishes. Smooth the surface of each with the back of the spoon and sprinkle with white sugar. Bake in preheated oven for 18-20 minutes or until a skewer inserted in centre of pudding comes out clean. Serve immediately, topped with a scoop of ice cream."

Then, the Shieldmaiden finished garnishing the pudding. "All done!" she said. Eowyn turned to Cathy. "Do you want to taste it, Cathy?" the Shieldmaiden asked. Cathy shook her head. "Nah, I'll skip. I just had lunch a few minutes earlier," rejected the author.

Suddenly, Legolas passed the kitchen and Cathy saw him. "Legolas! Gyaaaaaaaaaaaahh!" Cathy let out a fan girl squeal and dragged Legolas into the kitchen. The Elf became confuse.

"Ah! Legolas! Try my Caramel Pudding!" ordered Eowyn. Legolas stared her in horror. Aragorn can't stop vomiting for two days just because eating her Spaghetti Carbonara!

"No, thanks, Lady Eowyn," rejected the Elf. The Shieldmaiden's face became serious. "If Cathy, I can tolerate because she already eaten her lunch and she's the author of this story. But you…"

"YOU MUST EAT THIS NO MATTER WHAT, LEGOLAS!" Eowyn yelled as she tried to put the pudding into the Elf's mouth. Legolas managed to run away but not too fast because the kitchen is tight. Eowyn chased him.

"Heheh… this is quite fun," said Cathy. Eomer joined the author.

"This is madness," said Eomer. "This is politics," replied Cathy. (**A/N: Guess where I get that. Hint: It's a movie and it's full of pirates.**)

Eomer and Cathy dodged just in time when a frying pan flew to them. Eowyn managed to make Legolas ate her pudding. "Oh my… the Elf just ate a pudding made of owl egg," said Eomer. "Yep, and he also ate a huge spoonful of wasabi," agreed Cathy.

"What's a wasabi?" asked Eomer. "It's a super hot paste from Japan and in any minute Legolas' mouth would be…"

The Elf cuts Cathy's saying because he just roared fire from his mouth.

"…burning," finished the author. "Oh yeah, I'm going to hang up somewhere, so I'm leaving. Buh-bye," said Cathy then she disappeared. Eomer sighed. "Readers, do not try the recipe at home. I repeat, DO NOT TRY THE RECIPE AT HOME! If an idiot tried it, don't blame Cathy A.K.A XxJellalFernandesxX. Just blame my sister," said Eomer then leaved his sister with Legolas that's desperate for water.

**All right, that's that for the second recipe. I'll repeat it; DO NOT TRY THE RECIPE AT HOME! Okay, toodle-oo guys and review 'kay?**


	3. Recipe 3: Beef Rendang

**Hey there guys, sorry I took so long just for updating. I'm kinda busy lately. Anyways, when flipping my mom's cookbook for inspiration, I suddenly found a delicious dish from my country. Then I thought, 'hm, how about posting one of the recipes from Indonesia?' So I did. Here we go.**

**Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings totally didn't belong to me.**

**Recipe 3: Beef Rendang**

Eowyn is on the Citadel kitchen, texting the author with her Samsung Galaxy SIII. When she notices the readers, she quickly hides her phone.

"H-hello guys," she waved her hand. "Okay, I just been texted by Cathy for making a dish from her country. So today, I'm making Beef Rendang."

"Rendang's taste is really special! I've never tasted it but Cathy said like that. First, there's this zingy flavors of lemongrass and ginger, then comes the savory beef along with some torrent of chili, and finally, you tasted the creamy coconut milk towards the back of your tounge."

"Cathy told me about two things; one, Rendang is not rendang if it has a sauce, two, Rendang always tastes better the next day. That's because Beef Rendang was originally created as a method of preserving meat. You see, Indonesia's weather usually is hot and before fridges were invented, wealthy Minangkabau (a name of a tribe in Indonesia) farmers dispatched a cow for special occasion it was often turned into Rendang. But because it's Middle-Earth, I decided to switch beef with the Nazgul I'd slain at the Pelennor Field. These Gondor people are still keeping their meat."

"For those of us who aren't lucky enough to be able to head down to a local shop and pick up fresh coconut milk (or lack the patience to grate the coconut and extract it ourselves), I've found a good alternative that beats the canned stuff. It's a coconut powder created by spray drying fresh coconut milk, a process that rapidly removes the liquid preserving the flavor profile of fresh coconut milk."

"All right, here are the ingredients:

- 1 teaspoon kosher salt

- 1 teaspoon ground coriander seed

- 1/4 teaspoon ground turmeric

- 1 inch ginger roughly chopped

- 4 large cloves of rotten garlic roughly chopped

- 4 large shallots roughly chopped (about 7 ounces)

- Jalapeno chili flakes to taste (I used about 10 tablespoons)

- 2 tablespoons vegetable oil

- 2 pounds Nazgul's meat cut into large cubes

- 2 stalks lemongrass white part only, smashed

- 4 leaves from an Ent

- 1 inch galangal sliced into coins

- 2 packs freeze dried coconut cream rehydrated in 2 cups of warm water, or 1 can coconut milk

- 1 tablespoon palm sugar, brown sugar can be substituted."

"And the instructions:

-Add all the kosher salt, coriander, turmeric, ginger, rotten garlic, shallots, and Jalapeno chili flakes to a food processor and run until there are no clumps left and you have a smooth spice paste. You'll need to scape the bowl down a few times.

-Add the oil to a heavy bottomed pot and heat over medium high heat until shimmering. Fry the Nazgul meat in batches, wait until there's a smell of over-cooked meat. Transfer the meat to a bowl and repeat with the remaining meat.

-Add the lemongrass, Ent leaves and galangal to the hot oil and fry until fragrant. Transfer to the bowl with the browned beef, leaving the oil in the pot.

-Turn down the heat to medium low, and then add the spice paste. Fry, stirring constantly until very fragrant and most of the moisture have evaporated (about 10-15 minutes). If the paste starts burning, reduce the heat and add a bit of water. Add the coconut milk and palm sugar, and then return the meat and herbs to the pot, stir to combine the turn the heat down to medium low and loosely cover with a lid (you want some steam to escape). Stir the Rendang periodically and simmer for 3-4 hours until the meat is extra tender.

-Once the meat is tender and most of the liquid has evaporated (about 4 hours), remove the lid and turn up the heat. You'll need to stir the mixture constantly to prevent it from burning, but you want to evaporate as much liquid as you can without burning the meat. At this point there should be quite a bit of oil in the pot from the meat so you're essentially frying the sauce and concentrating the flavors.

-The Rendang is done when there is almost no sauce left and the meat is dark brown. Ideally you'll let this sit overnight for the flavors to evenly distribute into the meat. During this time, the meat will turn chocolate colored and the flavors will deepen. Serve the Nazgul Rendang with steamed rice."

After she waited for a day, she served it with some rice.

"Ooh! It's done! I wonder who I should order to taste it. Hmmmmm. How about Gimli? He always loves cooking that has many flavors like this! Oh he's going to like it!" Then, the Shieldmaiden searched for Gimli.

The surprising thing is, Gimli turns out to love it so much; the taste reminds him of home, he loves the way the Jalapeno burns his tongue, and most of all, it's good of having revenge for those Nazguls by eating their meat. Eowyn was going to make the Rendang again when Cathy told her to make another thing.

Then, Eomer showed up. "Okay, I really can't figure out why the hell Cathy made a fanfic like this. I know she's clinically crazy and sometimes a psychotic, but this?! Seriously, she's anything but normal. I really can't understand why she's enjoying this."

"Oh, this is very enjoying," said Cathy who was suddenly standing right beside Eomer. "You see Eomer, many fanfics are about a tenth walker Mary Sue who suddenly dated Legolas. But—"

"You made one yourself!"

"JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO MY EXPLANATION!" yelled Cathy. She cleared throat.

"But I made one myself and sometimes I enjoyed it if it wasn't about an Elf who lives in Lothlorien then summoned to the Council of Elrond and bleh bleh bleh. Seriously, I enjoy if the Mary Sue was a girl from Earth or not an Elf and talks with non-formal English like my Mary Sue. But then again, maybe the readers need something different. Something that includes Humor and not Romance! So this it ladies and gentlemen; a Humor and Parody LotR fanfic!"

Some people who were already paid by Cathy do a standing applause, cheer to Cathy, and threw her bouquets of flowers. "Thank you, thank you," said Cathy as she bowed several times. Eomer stared at her like she was some kind of a lunatic.

"Alright, as per usual, here's the closing," said Eomer. "Do not try the recipe at home. You wouldn't find the ingredients after all. But if there's an idiot who managed to found the ingredients and tried this, do not blame Cathy AKA XxJellalFernandesxX. Please blame my sister. And please leave a review. Thank you very much for reading this. Cathy said that writing this makes her proud being an Indonesian."


	4. Recipe 4: Ganache Flakes Cookies

**Disclaimer: Totally not mine.**

**Recipe 4: Ganache Flake Cookies**

Cathy appeared on the Citadel kitchen wearing an apron. "Hello, everyone. As you all know, I am the author of this fan fiction. Eowyn is busy on the moment. So, I'm the one who's cooking. Despite my age—which is a secret—I can cook better than that Shieldmaiden. I've never cooked Ganache Flake Cookies before. But there's always a first time of everything. Due to my lack-of-patience, I'll just skip to the point. Oh yeah, unlike Eowyn, my instructions of making this cookie is short yet understandable."

"The ingredients:

-100 g of butter

-100 g of sugar

-225 g of flour

-25 g of cocoa powder

-1 egg

-1 teaspoon of chocolate paste

-1/2 teaspoon of vanillin

-Egg whites

-300 g of cornflakes cereal, crushed."

"For the ganache:

-250 g of dark cooking chocolate, chopped into bits

-1 spoon of butter

-2 spoons of whipped cream."

"The instructions:

-Pour the butter, sugar, flour, cocoa powder, egg, chocolate paste, and vanillin all together into a large bowl. Mix with a pastry knife until the dough has hardened.

-Shape the dough as big as a golf ball, dip into egg whites.

-Sprinkle the cornflakes all over the balls. Make a hole on the center.

-Bake with the temperature on 160oC for 20 minutes.

-While waiting the cookies to cool, make the ganache by melting the dark cooking chocolate, butter, and whipped cream while stirring it. Put into the fridge for one hour. Mix until it was soft and fluffy.

-After the cookies were cool, put the ganache into the center of the cookie with the help of piping bag."

Cathy tasted one and she smiled. "Not bad, I should give these to the Fellowship."

Legolas with Merry and Pippin at his side—which is rare scenery—suddenly passed the Citadel kitchen. "Hey, hey, Legolas! Merry! Pippin! Come over here!" called Cathy. The three of them quickly walked to the author.

"Guys, I've just made these cookies and I really wanted to give it to you guys and the rest of Fellowship. Oh, and Faramir, Eomer, and Eowyn. The Shieldmaiden didn't have the chance to cook at this chapter," explained Cathy. Merry and Pippin's eyes sparkled when they saw the cookies, but Legolas was suddenly recalled his experience with Eowyn's pudding.

"No, no. I don't want to eat that," the Elf said while he shook his head. "Why not?" Cathy asked innocently.

"YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED WHEN EOWYN COOKS THAT CARAMEL PUDDING AND FORCE ME TO EAT IT! YOU GAVE ME TRAUMA YOU KNOW, BY WRITING THIS FAN FICTION! MY TONGUE COULDN'T TASTE PROPERLY FOR A WHILE! YOU ONE HELL OF AN AUTHOR! *&%# &*(#!?%*(&%! " screamed Legolas with a string of cuss words. Hearing that, Cathy sniffed softly and tears began to appear on her eyes.

"Oh, no, no, no, no, don't cry…" muttered Legolas. Cathy just covered her face and started to cry silently. "Oh Valar, I can't believe that I've made a **-years old (author's age censored) teenager cried," the Elf sighed. Legolas hugged Cathy while whispering some Elven lament to calm her down and patted the back of her head. Merry and Pippin just watch the whole thing while each eating a cookie.

"Hey, Legolas, these cookies tasted great!" exclaimed Pippin. "You could say that again, Pip!" agreed Merry. "It does?" asked Legolas. "Of course, idiot. It's made by me and not by Eowyn. _Anata wa baka... Baka, baka... Hontou ni baka... Baka no baka... Baka erufu…_" whispered Cathy.

Legolas released his hug then grab one cookie. He tasted it and his eyes were widened. This is the most amazing cookie he tasted yet!

Cathy smiled in satisfaction seeing the Elf ate her cookie. And it's always been her dream of being hugged by Legolas. Those tears are just croc's tears.

Merry grabbed the cookies' plate and said, "I'm giving these to our friends." Merry skipped happily through the hallway. "Wait for me!" said Pippin while chasing Merry.

"Are you coming?" asked Legolas to Cathy. "Yeah, but there's something I need to do first," answered the author. "All right, then." The Elf of Mirkwood left the kitchen.

Cathy pulled something from the darkness. "I know you're there…"

It appeared to be Eomer. "…Eomer."

"Wow, what a terrific acting you performed earlier," Eomer said coldly. "What can I say? I am a part at the theatre club at my school," replied Cathy. "I can't believe it's a normal recipe," Eomer continued. The author just smiled.

"Okay, my beloved readers, please review! I really, really, really appreciate if you do. Until next chapter. Bye~." Cathy waved to the readers.

**Translation of the italicized words that I whispered when I was hugged by Legolas earlier:**

"**You're an idiot… idiot, idiot… a total idiot… the most idiot of the idiots… idiot Elf…"**

**But of course, Legolas doesn't know that. If he does, I would've been shot by him.**


End file.
